A song that touchs me

I have been thinking of this song for a day or two. Just as I log onto Blooger... the songs starts playing. Deep meaning words.

I am gonna walk with my granddaddy... I am gonna tell him how much I miss him..
Where I am gonna get where I am going.. there will only be happy tears.. I will love and have no fear... where I get where I am going... dont cry for me down here.... But where I got where I am going... when I see my Makers face.. I will stand in his amazing light... amazing grade... only happy tears... I will love and have no fear.... get where I am going.

That song really touchs part of me that have not been touched in a long time. Deep into my heart. Not of the loved one I have lost.. but to see whats to come. A happyness thats ever lasting.. into heaven. Many people think that because I am a lesbian, that I dont have the same believes that I did before I knew who I was. I know who and what I am... and thats not going to chance. As much as I can see that... ooo just get married to a guy.. have some babies.. live the all amercain dream with a house and a white picket fence. On the other hand, I would be wanting to cheat on him and my children. After my dad doing that to my mom I cant do that. All the women I have dated/relationship with, why were I was the one cheated on. It seems that not many women... both lesbian and str8 value their relationship to each other. I am one of the few that cant cheat. Heck, I'll do whatever with someone in a relationship.. thats between those two not me. but it would be so much easier to just be loved.. whatever sex he/she would be.

'why do I still believing in what I hope for" I need to stop doing that to myself. Wanting who I want for many reasons that will not become of. Stop wanting and feeling that its right. I am just fouling myself in thinking its the truth. Time to move on. I am finding myself falling into a hole. I keep on putting on a happy face... I am fouliing some people, but it doesnt matter who I am fouling... since its not fouling me.

I am not stop myself in believeing that the pounds of fat will just fall off from me one day. I already broke the only deal with myself. For every 10pounds I loss... I would buy one $25 gift card for Torrid or LB. I am now more than what I was when I lost those 10pounds for a gift card. I need to stop fouling myself.. that the pounds will come off just by breathing. I need to put myself in a postion around supportive people that are doing the same thing. WeightWatchers has been on my mind for that. I am gonna going on Thrusday am. I need to do something about this.

maybe God has been holding out on me for a fulltime job till I get some other things squared away. Or just holding onto a job that I have yet to find.. or apply for. Who knows.. only He knows. I already told myself, If I get a job thats not closer to the city.. I am not gonna move down there. maybe thats apart of it. Not to move towards the city. It really sucks being almost 30, and I still yet to find myself in the working world. I should have a larger retirment saving... than $3500. I am really hopping for Harper College.

I am going to start my day with hope for myself... get dress and head down to the YMCA... get back into what makes me happy.