late hot sunday night

I saw this picture from another site and the image just makes me think its me walking along the sand shores leaving my footsteps behind me. Crushing my heavy body into the soft warm sand. As is fall between my toes.. hard to walk... cant seem to get a good standing strong step... but I keep on trying to reach the place I am going. I am still learning to where that place is for me. Work... personail life... living somewhere else... growing up.

I find myself lost in the work force. Tony telling me for years that I need to leave CLC and work fulltime. So, easy said than done. In a few months I will be entering into my 30s. And I dont feel like I have done much as in making money. I am seeing that I am still at CLC. Maybe God is keeping me here to finsh up AA... or for another reason I have not learned yet. Or when I do get another job (FT) I want to get my own place. Maybe keeping me here for my mom. For her health and not to be alone.

Things just rush into my head... I am finding myself picking out in my mind about this job thing. How this can keep me up late at night. Okay now I am just writting out of my azz...

goodnitters all..

SGFBBW Looking for same!!

So today Joni and I hanged out. We went off to lunch at Apple Bees. Thank Goodness! They have a weight watchers menu. I am not about to go over my points today, Wednesday or Thursday... hope not Friday. Anyways, I am seeing that she is sure spending more time with Brad. She talking about how she has to tell Brad's mom that she wants to go out for dinner and not at his parent's house. Joni's TN family coming up here around the 2nd of June. And his mom wants to have EVERYONE over. Even Buddy & wife & KIDS!! Anyways, as she is going on about this. I find myself being selfish and wishing that I had this "problem". Scared of my family meeting my gf's family... and all that comes along with that. Why is it so hard to find a good-personaily trusting talkive inputting woman over the age of 32 in my area just for me? Yeah I just have soo many things that I am required of. It's so not true. The things I want.. should be things that come along with a relationship. I have been talking to this one chick... omg shes crazy. Never really talked about her.. cause I am not into her. I do how-ever find myselfing wanting to go to better someone else. Just hate that who.. "she into me that way or not?" I guess thats just something I have to work on myself. I think I am strong willed... just someone I just feel like how I am now. Maybe I am just feeling like this.. because of the lack of food!!! LOL.

i am ending my day with a bubble bath... nice and hot.. tried to relax, but the bar of soap that my mom uses is right where I put my head. I couldnt do the whole relax thing and get my eyes to close... and clean my mind. Now, my eyes are going crazy over light... i am little sleepy.. and I want more FOOD. BTW I started WeightWatchers today. Theres another blogger started for that. See.. link on the side...DaybyDay.

Late Tuesday Three (I am a follower)

Two of my friends are doing this, so I just have to jump right on the band wagon.

List three things you do that tend to irritate those around you.
+ Say "whatever" Because somepeople start saying it. lol
++ Don't take the clothes out of washer/dryer when they are done.
+++ Leave my mail/bills at the end of the table till I write them out.

List three things that those around you tead to do that irriate you.
# Loss music on XM just because I am in a drive thru at a bank.
## Order Ice Tea when the place doesnt have sweet n low.
### Mailman/mailwoman putting mail in my box thats for one or two streets before mine, since they missed it and think I would give it to them.

If you could ask one question each to any three people, living or dead, who would the three people be and what question would you ask each one? Assume the answer would be 100% true.

Jesus... How many more years will it be before you are coming to earth?
Federal Reserve... Why will extend its nearly 2 year string of interest rate increases, when the avg. American cant make ends meet as it is????
Todd... (you better be dead) Why were you an asshole?

Jeeeaaannninnneee!! heres my little fishy fishy fish. Aww arent you the cutest little fishy in the world beta world. (making fish face). After searching high/low and near/far, I found a name... (drum roll) Fire.

Awwww

Times when I need those... hot bubble baths... maybe tonight after dinner.

A song that touchs me

I have been thinking of this song for a day or two. Just as I log onto Blooger... the songs starts playing. Deep meaning words.

I am gonna walk with my granddaddy... I am gonna tell him how much I miss him..
Where I am gonna get where I am going.. there will only be happy tears.. I will love and have no fear... where I get where I am going... dont cry for me down here.... But where I got where I am going... when I see my Makers face.. I will stand in his amazing light... amazing grade... only happy tears... I will love and have no fear.... get where I am going.

That song really touchs part of me that have not been touched in a long time. Deep into my heart. Not of the loved one I have lost.. but to see whats to come. A happyness thats ever lasting.. into heaven. Many people think that because I am a lesbian, that I dont have the same believes that I did before I knew who I was. I know who and what I am... and thats not going to chance. As much as I can see that... ooo just get married to a guy.. have some babies.. live the all amercain dream with a house and a white picket fence. On the other hand, I would be wanting to cheat on him and my children. After my dad doing that to my mom I cant do that. All the women I have dated/relationship with, why were I was the one cheated on. It seems that not many women... both lesbian and str8 value their relationship to each other. I am one of the few that cant cheat. Heck, I'll do whatever with someone in a relationship.. thats between those two not me. but it would be so much easier to just be loved.. whatever sex he/she would be.

'why do I still believing in what I hope for" I need to stop doing that to myself. Wanting who I want for many reasons that will not become of. Stop wanting and feeling that its right. I am just fouling myself in thinking its the truth. Time to move on. I am finding myself falling into a hole. I keep on putting on a happy face... I am fouliing some people, but it doesnt matter who I am fouling... since its not fouling me.

I am not stop myself in believeing that the pounds of fat will just fall off from me one day. I already broke the only deal with myself. For every 10pounds I loss... I would buy one $25 gift card for Torrid or LB. I am now more than what I was when I lost those 10pounds for a gift card. I need to stop fouling myself.. that the pounds will come off just by breathing. I need to put myself in a postion around supportive people that are doing the same thing. WeightWatchers has been on my mind for that. I am gonna going on Thrusday am. I need to do something about this.

maybe God has been holding out on me for a fulltime job till I get some other things squared away. Or just holding onto a job that I have yet to find.. or apply for. Who knows.. only He knows. I already told myself, If I get a job thats not closer to the city.. I am not gonna move down there. maybe thats apart of it. Not to move towards the city. It really sucks being almost 30, and I still yet to find myself in the working world. I should have a larger retirment saving... than $3500. I am really hopping for Harper College.

I am going to start my day with hope for myself... get dress and head down to the YMCA... get back into what makes me happy.

Sick of being Sick

I have come to see that I have been up and down in the feeling sick department. I ended up going home on saturday after working only two hours. Now, its late on Sunday night... still feeling like shit.. hope that it would come to an end soon. Hope will be having those interviews end of the week.
I have not been taking care of myself either. I guess thats also part of the problem. Not eating right.. not caring right now that I am putting on the pounds.. not going to the fitness center or even to the YMCA.
Along with this.. comes part of me thinking why she didnt tell me. What happened to telling me.. I have had this happened before. And I lost them both.
This is eating away at me.... making into a bigger hole as the days go on.. digging deeper and deeper. Comes to be more than just what it started to be.. Comes to be... I am also gettiing fat.. not getting younger (some would say I dont look over 23 years old), not working a fulltime heath ins normal work week with weekends off... Able to see a doctor for this cold... back to going back to bed... staying there till another day comes along.

Goodnitters

Deep Hot Bubble Bath

Ending my day with a nice hot bubble bath. Just relaxing.. closing my eyes... relaxing my mind... let it think freely. At the end of the day... watching the day come to a close.. thinking of things to come.. what to happen... where would I be in 24 hours from now. Will I be in a bubble bath again... or on a cold steel slate? Never know what the day will bring. I'm happy to know how I stand with my faith and my feelings my mind my heart and soul.

Somedays I wonder how He takes care of my crazy life. Not working.. having enough money... worried about my mom's health... doing what I can to help my own health. At the same time, I am falling short of what I should be doing. Making Him a bigger part of my life. I have found that... after growning up, not being forced into the church... sunday school... Bibble study.. be around people that dont truthy love one other unless you do what "they" say. Making up their own rules/laws that doesnt even come close to what I believe. Love one another...

I find myself wanting to go to church that is open.. to all kinds of people. That are able to come together and be as one in workship and in sprint. Having a strong friend in my life that has the same basic beliefs is a blesing. She truthy has helped me in so many ways that she will never know about till the one day we are running through the wild flowered hills with birds and woodpeekers singing songs to Him... swimming among the crystal seas.. hanging around the pearl gates. Having our Manisons side by side. Meeting my grandma martin and my aunt vickie. Love ones that have always been in a part of my childhood and the years that I live now. Find myself wiping tears of saddness of what might become of the ones that I love here on earth... what a hardship that will never end. Many tears also falling of the happiness of will come. The days will come.

A Blink of a Eye