what a rollcoaster of motions is weekend for me... sure had alot of words spoken to me about what is the "truth" or how it is to be. Guess what i thought isnt all that important on what really happens. its sure hard to explain her on a word level. dont think there are enough words that have been used in the english lang. to explain her.
i love her.. what can i say.. yeah i love someone that i have only met two times, which once was only for 15mins.. i love the way she is.. her soul.. her heart.. her mind.. her crazy life.. I'll take it all.. even the bad.
but the chasing has to end... after so many years.. the race hasnt been won. i might of won the heart, but theres been a recount of votes.. and i lost.
This has alot to say about myself.. where do i stand within myself about this..?? how do i see myself.. doing this?? Those are questions that I wont beable to answer for myself till I am old and gray and sitting under an apple tree watching the clouds go by, as i look back on my 70 years of living.
I know this now.. i have had girlfriends.. and i had loved once.. heart was broken... have lust along with the other girlfriends.. the thing is.. i love her.. even without her being my girlfriend.. and my heart was broken into millons of breaks that was thrown into the deeps on the darkest water.. to be drifted apart... i still love her... how can i get out of love within days or even weeks? What is to happen if her feelings for me doesnt change.. and she finally sees that what is meant to happen should happen? then what? what happens then??? what do i do?? how do i handle myself.
Or what if the worst of everything happens??? what if i even "get over" her? what if she is really the one... and i have been right all along? then what.. i wait another 40years.. do i go after her.. even with what she said is said and done... where do i go from there?
Or.. i am just putting the horse before the cart? yeah i must be.. I want her and I to hang out. At a friend level. hope someday she will see how important that is to me. If, we didnt have this strong friendship bound, i would of written her off many years ago.. but we have it and we have other things. I learn so much about her... over the years. We have both grown up in many different and same areas of our lives.
I know why she wants to stay where she is... to have a build in shelder for herself. ect..ect. How can you love two people at the same time.. guess the love is different. one is greater than the other.
it's funny to think that we never had sex... or even kissed.. and her gf thinks of the worst of that has or had happened between us. maybe she will get her head out of her ass and see its more than that.
I am just high mantains i guess... or just want a cute blueeye german care bear LOL
I need to take my dinner break.
